When Disappointments Come

Kunle was supposed to be on his way to Calabar this morning. It was a trip he had planned for over a week and was very excited and patiently waiting for the day to come. However, two days ago he had cause to cancel the trip when he was called up on an emergency support ticket, being an engineer with a telco. He was deeply saddened by the event and the excitement that had heralded his planning the trip soon turned into grief. Disappointed, yes he was, but he had no choice but just to live with it, after all it is said that every disappointment is a blessing in disguise. 

Whether you lost a job, saw the end of a relationship, or didn't get the raise you were expecting, disappointment can be a powerful emotion. Disappointments just happen. Sometimes there are signs leading up to it and at other times they just spring out of the blues. They can be hurtful to say the least and managing disappointments is very important in maintaining emotional well-being. There are steps you can take, however, to transform a disappointing situation into one filled with promise and opportunity. Sometimes, all it takes is a mind shift and support from others. Let me share a few tips I got online from eHow.com on how to manage disappointments. Perhaps it can bring some relief to someone fighting depression at this time

• Treat the event as a teaching moment by considering what you can learn about yourself from the situation. Careful reflection will often reveal areas in which you could have done something differently. Take those lessons and apply them the next time you are in a similar spot.
•  Choose to believe that some opportunities are better left uncovered. Decide that where you are in life is the direct result of the choices you've made and the opportunities that were presented to you. If a situation doesn't turn out the way you had hoped, embrace the idea that life has other things in store for you.

•  Call a friend and talk about how you're feeling rather than wallowing in your misery. Be active in seeking support from others. The people who know and love you will be able to remind you of your good qualities at a time when your primary focus is on your flaws and imperfections.

• Allow yourself time to grieve. If disappointment comes from the loss of something, such as a job, a relationship, or an expectation, allow a reasonable amount of time to experience that loss. Acknowledge that it happened, recognize the disappointment and move on. Remember that self-indulgence is rarely productive.

• Avoid assigning blame to others. While other people or factors may have influenced how a situation unfolded, there's little you can do to change those influences. You can only change your own attitudes and actions. Trying to cast blame on others will often only make you critical and defensive.

• Accept that change is a necessary part of life. Change moves us forward whether we want to go or not. The trick is to learn how to be fluid in that movement. Choose to believe that the struggles you face and the challenges you overcome help to make you a better person.

• Reevaluate the situation. If things worked out differently than you had hoped, look at what opportunities are now possible. When you look at the situation through a new lens, you may see things that were invisible to you before.

• Learn to express thanks for the blessings in your life. Take a tally of the things for which you are grateful. Often, that list will cheer you.

I hope this helps someone out there in need of some help out of some disappointing situations. Cheers!

TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE

William Shakespeare is undoubtedly one of the finest writers to emerge from England. I have had the privilege of reading a couple of his works and I must say I was totally enthralled at the plot of his work and the amazing imagery with which he tells his stories.

I first stumbled upon this quote while I was in high school doing literature in English. Then I had the opportunity of being taught by Mr. Ogbe who really taught me how to analyze and deduce meanings to statements. I do owe that man a lot and I hope to see him someday soon just to say a big thank you.  Next was when I was in the University Studying Humanities. I still remember Mrs. Wogu who as she taught us the “man know thyself” series. It was also in this process that I again stumbled on this quote and this time it made even more sense than it did when I was in high school.

This evening I was just surfing the net and I came across this quote once again, 16 years after I first heard it and I must confess it even made a lot more sense than it did in my humanities class. Most of us are familiar with the above quote taken from Shakespeare’s Hamlet, but how many of us know this verse:  “And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou cannot then be false to any man”.

How many of us have a hard time being true to ourselves?  Those of us that gave our life to another at the cost of loosing who we are in the process will have a hard time being true to ourselves.  Allowing someone else to define who we are, we lose our ability to discover and grow inwardly.  We no longer are able to discern a truth from a lie.  For many of us, we have accepted lies for so long, that finding out what is true takes time.

As I reflected on this, it dawned on me that the biggest challenge facing humanity today is a certain denial of self, culminating in life of false pretences. Anyone who is not true to himself cannot even be true to his fellow men. Such false pretences give rise to all manner of vice; bigotry, ruthlessness, greed, etc. What else better summarizes the dire state of the world today than those few words stringed together by Shakespeare hundreds of years ago?

Perhaps if someone was true to himself and performed his duties diligently, we would not have been grieving the death of over two hundred souls in the Dana Air accident that happened on June 02, 2012. Perhaps if our leaders were true to themselves, they would have been accountable to the people rather to their friends and cronies. Perhaps a wife (or husband) who is true to herself would not have placed so much pressure on his husband (or wife) to make him consider fraud as an option. The list is endless.

The following excerpt from Dr. Irene Matiatos sheds more light,

Truth….truth is a word that brings out such negative reactions to many of us. You see truth is really an action word.  You cannot accept truth without change. Accepting truth about ourselves is difficult, especially to those of us who have been abused.  But truth does set one free if we will allow it to; it is a crucial part of healing.  It gives us the freedom to be who we are.  We are able to come to terms with our weakness (without condemnation) and appreciate our strength.  Truth gives strength; it naturally builds healthy boundaries.  Truth is open; it is honest even at the risk of being vulnerable again.  Truth is light and brings forth life.  When we walk in truth, we walk in light and when we walk in light we live a healthy life. 

Truth is also love.  The greatest act of love towards another is living a life that is truthful.  For those of us who find it difficult to love ourselves, we will find it will come more easily when we walk in truth about who we are.  If we walk in truth, we walk in perfect love, and if we walk in perfect love, then we do not walk in fear because perfect love cast out fear.  Because we have been honest with ourselves, we are able to love ourselves with all of our imperfections, knowing that we are in “process” and therefore need not have others approval.  This is freedom indeed.

The second part of this verse is a natural occurrence if we hold true to the first part of the verse.  So, when in doubt as to our motives of not being truthful with someone….look inside, are we being less than truthful to ourselves?

”This above all: to thine own self be true,

 And it must follow, as the night the day,

 Thou canst not then be false to any man.”

                         -Shakespeare-Hamlet 

Tribute to Tessy

As a child she played with dolls, caring for them as she would a child.
As a teenager she looked ahead with expectation to the day she would become a woman
As a woman she waited patiently and prayerfully for the day God will give me to her.
Expectant, she fondly carried me for nine months and did all she could to make sure I stayed healthy.
When the appointed day came, she gave birth to me, enduring the pangs of labor.
She welcomed me into the world with smiles, amidst the pains she felt; kissed my forehead and cuddled me.
She would stay awake for hours in the night just to ensure I was safe and sound.
When the frailty of human nature caught up with me, she felt the discomfort even more than I.
As a child, she taught to me to love virtue and to abhor vice.
She taught my first words of prayer and would pray with me each night before I slept.
She ensured I had the best of education, standing by me each step of the way.
I still remember she was on hand to see me present my B.Sc Seminar, despite the distance she had o travel.
As a teenager, she taught me what it took to be a man; respect for men, humility, belief in self, courage in times of trial, the power of dreams and valor in hard work.
Even as an adult today, she is still a strong pillar that supports me.
She is Theresa, my dear mother.

Prostitution and the dualism of human nature

I just finished reading a piece by my good friend Ebele. She depicted the usual newspaper stand parliament common in most Nigerian towns. It is about the ethical question about the indulgence in the oldest trade in the world; prostitution.

Every human being has a dual nature; one governed by morality and another governed my logic and intuition. This duality of human nature presents some sort of quagmire when an issue like this comes up for discussion.

My logical and intuitive self will argue that since prostitution is by no means is the oldest trade in the world, where an individual offers sexual pleasure in exchange for money, it should be regarded as a profession and every other regulation required by law be made to bear on it.

If for instance a petty trader selling akara by the roadside has to pay the local government for business permit as well as sanitation fees, why would not a prostitute be made to pay tax and other dues for plying her trade?

My moral self would argue otherwise. It would rather not have that lady offering sexual pleasure in exchange for money. My moral self would quickly remind me of the 6th and 9th commandments in Christendom as well as other injunctions expressed by other religious professions that forbid sexuality outside marital life.

It is up to one to rationalize this duality to suit his purpose......